The past week was devoted to adventure, freedom and surprise. I enjoyed my little getaway trip to Baguio with my fellow student-leaders of COA. I have grown absolutely close with them. Our experience throughout the year was life-changing - giving us a fresh perspective, an added push and a much needed sense of clarity. And after all the heartaches, headaches, and stress, we were ready to take advantage of the cool weather and indulge freely. It's quite baffling how inebriation for college students somehow sums up that momentary kind of freedom, where your senses are wildly disturbed and heightened at the same time. It's always about the group you are with anyway.



Presently, I have different groups that I hold very dear to me. Our dynamics are all very different, but the shared experience somehow holds us together beautifully. This particular group, my insanely crazy COA loves is purely one of a kind. Our adventures in Baguio have lives of their own! haha! Too crazy to retell or verbalize. One thing is for sure: I will miss each and everyone of them, as much as I will miss everything about being a student leader and putting all our hearts and minds collectively all for our genuine desire to pursue nation-building. Of course, this will carry on throughout my life.



This week was definitely devoted to a lot of downtime. Fixed my files - computer and those in my room. Liberating experience to de-clutter and put some tangible finality to the experience of graduating. I was also glad to help out fellow COA people, Magel and Amor for their Blue Roast film project. Throughout the year, my film credits grew! haha. It's definitely fun. These are just one of the few things that I am glad I have left behind Ateneo. I believe I could not have asked for more. I feel content upon the onset of my graduation. I have learned, lived and loved in the most powerful, interesting and memorable ways. And it has given me the courage and desire to do, be and reach out for more.

Am I ready for law school? I would like to think that the idea is something that I have reconciled with. I am excited to study and learn more. I am excited to be immersed in an entirely different atmosphere. I am excited to meet people with beautiful hearts and engaging minds. And if it proves to be otherwise, then I am excited to be compelled to make positive changes internally and externally. Polsci has somehow allowed a person like me to consider gray areas and float somewhere in between realism and idealism.

I am never fully ready. There will always be a struggle inside of me that will hold back a little. I am an unsettled soul, and for the most part this has waged battles. From all the dearly philosophical quests I have embarked on, it has taught me to look at the purest, sincerest picture of humanity. Of the Infinite. And so I yearn and pray for solitude to continue finding me and for myself to find it amidst the world I, together with my batchmates will engage in. In all its political, economic, cultural and spiritual turmoil and brokenness, I remain hopeful.

I know that this entry is already overdue, as I have officially passed my last academic requirement for my Lit class two Fridays ago. (Thank you, Ma'am Rica for my A!) Nevertheless, last week came in a flash filled with so many events that I had no time to take a breather and update. My last official day as a COA officer ended last Friday as I finally graduated from my position and celebrated the night after for the Awarding party.

I'll keep this entry short as I may have the tendency to be quite emotional if I attempt to be all detailed about it. But there are just way too many reasons to be all sentimental, especially for someone like me who suffer from major attachment issues. I get caught up with things, and if I am truly passionate and excited about something, I revel in all its entirety. My experience as a student, leader, follower, mover, nation-builder, artist, friend, girlfriend, and neighbor through my college years can never be fully expressed exactly as how I want it to. But to put quite simply, it has been amazing. God knows it wasn't easy. Even if people think that I made it look easy, it simply wasn't. Goodness! If you guys read this blog in its entirety, you will get realize that I can be a total wreck. Although, I am incredibly happy that I was able to "document" my college life in this blog. At least a small part of it.

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*Crossposted from pearl.operaglasses.org

Things can't seem to slow down if only to make everything seem faster. I doubt my Senior year can be defined by a word or even a few sentences. If someone does attempt to figure an encompassing statement, it will be written and expressed intermittently -  with words spilled uninterruptedly, seemingly endless with the hopes that somehow it will come to a period soon.

And so here goes the last few weeks. The final straw, a personal aggressive and euphoric battle, that will one day remain to be just memories. Everyone seems to be thinking about the future. It's quite interesting to see how people can easily map out their lives, while others enjoy it with so much spontaneity. I, on the other hand, lie somewhere in the middle. Perhaps more of the former than the latter. It helps that law school is set out for me. And the jubilation from passing the UP LAE is truly a blessing. It made me feel that it is for me and I know I want this. Even if my dreams exceed the mere realm of legislation, I know it will be a stepping stone to my more ambitious goals. But again, we'll see.

There is so much I want to do and this thirst and passion is unsettling. It brings fear and discomfort knowing that I'm slowly going to be limited. The controlling, territorial, and ironically, closet-bohemian self of mine is always waging this annoying battle. To meet a compromise is yet to be done. I guess the road getting there is an adventure I'm still somehow enjoying.

The last few weeks before I embark on a totally different life (I say life because law school is no shit.), I am learning more and more about myself. I am still having a whole lot of new firsts. And I really don't want to be rushing. And the fact that there are so many moments when I feel like I am, I till believe I would prefer to take time to continue savoring it all. As I have said, they will all one day become just memories. Or maybe, something more.

Going home so late everyday has taken its toll on me. I find myself beyond exhaustion. Fortunately, I haven't necessarily been sick YET, but once I do arrive home, I am taken by the urge to lie down and sleep. The late nights are not exactly a first for me. I did experience really late, consecutive rehearsals. But it feels very, very different. Rehearsals give me some kind of high. I come home tired, but still pretty much psyched up. This is nothing like that.

I guess it also doesn't help that I have to wake up in between 5AM-6:30AM everyday. Mostly because my other sister in UP has classes at 7AM. I have gone past the ranting about this because it doesn't help at all. Early mornings in Ateneo allow me to be productive anyway. Physically, I fear that I'm totally abusing my body and will one day feel the dreaded consequences. Hopefully sooner than later. I cannot risk being sick by the time the hellish month of February approaches.

There are soooo many requirements ahead. I'm not sure if I'm particularly procrastinating or dreading the looming days (and all-nighters) of cramming all the work, but I am getting so nervous about it. I guess this just means I need to particularly iron out my game plan and figure out a way to work within my already busy schedule.

I know a lot of people are raring to graduate already. Senioritis is in its intense level, and all the talk about transitions, jobs, and applications feels both a bit bittersweet and scary at the same time. Wish me luck.

January signals the nearing end of the school year, and the past weeks went by so fast. Now that the cool weather is slowly being replaced by extremely sunny skies, I realize that there's little time ahead. I can't help but feel a little lost at times - mostly when it gets overwhelming and all I want to do is put everything into a pause. But no can do. It goes on as always, kind of exhausting and almost fleeting. There are joys in between, and moments to cherish, but to think that we've past mid-January fills me with a little bit of anxiety. Still so much to do.

So I try to make the most out of the time I have in Ateneo. I know for a fact that I will miss it extremely. And while I believe I've confronted the idea of law school much better now, the teensy weensy little speck of fear is there. It's only my stepping stone for bigger dreams.

Last weekend, I shot with the team for the Ateneo Recruitment Video. It's the video that will be shown to the high schools all over Philippines. I was interviewed about org experience and as part of COA. It was a fun day, and I had a blast working with the amazing crew, our director Aaron Palabyab and producer, Armand Sazon. I realized that talking to people is something that I absolutely love doing, and more importantly something I think I could be good at.

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